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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
Your things are terrific.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.