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If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
ready for bed - gunna give my sheets some arse and my pillows head;]
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.