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Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".