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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.