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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.