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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.