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Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
Soup of the day: Tequila.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat