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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
sleep is for people without netflix
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.