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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
My life coach just benched me.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.