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Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.