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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
I wish I had a friend like me
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to simply ignore you.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her