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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.