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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?