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This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
Looks like Waldo got on the malasian plane.. well played waldo.. well played..
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.