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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.