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It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)