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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.