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I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Some of my best memories are naps.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.