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Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
Marriage tip: Don`t
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
Just finished my first book yesterday. 450 pages. Man, that was a lot of coloring...
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions