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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?