Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times