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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich