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Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
What do you mean this posting of the BBQ ribs you made is not an invite?
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.