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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
word of the day: nincomtard
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn`t sing it out loud in public
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.