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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
When you upload photos to Fb, i`d appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends ... It makes stalking them MUCH easier, thank you!
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.