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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you