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If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.