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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.