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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.