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Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.