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My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.