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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.