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Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.