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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”