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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.