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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
Checklist: Poke People ? Delete People ? Block People ? Send Friend Requests ? Accept Friend Requests ? Ignore Chats ? Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ?....Morning chores all done.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
Gun Control: Use both hands
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
I´m not insensitive, I just don´t care.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?