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During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds