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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.