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Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.