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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
Don`t believe everything you think.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.