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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?