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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.