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Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm