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President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.