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I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them