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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
So I was looking at my boyfriends facebook page and saw a ton of girls saying they love him. He`s obviously cheating on me. We are so over Zac Efron.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon