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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?