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Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.