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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.