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I`m sorry I slapped you. It`s just you seemed like you weren`t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Does this status update make me look fat?
They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.