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Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.