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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"