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Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.