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My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.