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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
In space they just call it "Jam"
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.