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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.