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You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
You had me at 0 mutual friends