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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
OK. If you`re so smart, what`s the answer to this question?
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
Iām dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.