Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.