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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.