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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
i havnt seen any status`s about ninjas lately.... well played ninjas