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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.