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"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
Weekends r like d salary.. It takes a lot to get thr, & whn it finally does, it`s over in no time ;) - aa
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."