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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!